I truly must be the luckiest person on earth. Every time something bad happens, 80 good things pop up that NEVER would've happened without that ONE bad thing. It doesn't take away from the pain or the suffering or the downright misery caused by the bad thing, but if you have to endure it to get to the good things...well, then you just have to. I am so thankful for the tight-knit yoga community I drifted into and how warmly they have welcomed me in. Blessed.
Tonight was nothing short of triumphant. I did three hand-stand preps, a bridge, wheel and attempted ALL the arm balance postures. I say attempted because I was only marginally successful once. But check out that wheel. Slight panic when I couldn't come out of it, but I needed the rational voice (Diane) and the belly laugh that ensued. I was so darn proud of myself just for being in wheel pose without assistance that I stopped paying attention and could NOT figure out a way down. I love the humility in that. Talk about balance: pride and humility in the same pose. Where else but yoga can you find such an immediate return? And it is a return: there is as much to be learned from being proud as there is from eating a little humble pie. Being a Leo, I know a lot about both.
I went in tonight after the worst Monday I've had in a long time. Angry. Sad. On the verge of panic. Distraught. I could probably think of a thousands feelings going through me tonight. Almost as if they could feel the need, my yoginis started interacting with me. Jackie keeps me updated on her daughter's ambition to attend Virginia Wesleyan this coming fall. Such a simple thing, but did so much for my sick heart. We don't realize the gifts we give each other just by speaking and smiling...engaging each other. Then, the lady with the energetic smile behind me noticed the pad I use under my knees which Angela recommended and I bought from Betsey at Peace, Love, Balance in Hilltop (free plug). The pad has revolutionized my practice. So, I was able to reach outside of my head and share something wonderful with a classmate. Tremendous help.
Two things deepened the physical practice for me: one is to focus on drawing the quadriceps up into the hips to engage the thigh and stretch the hamstring and lengthen the leg. Finally clicked in my head. Downward facing dog became different. Plank...different. Mountain pose, lunge...you name it...that one focus changed it all for me tonight. The other was to envision pressing a gas pedal in order to engage the foot. Amazing. Something so simple (or so complex) and the brain just gets it.
I stand straighter. I walk with more surety (striving for grace and expecting miracles because it will take them); I sit up. It IS a yogic lifestyle: I practice tree and forward fold to put on my tennis shoes; mountain pose with my feet flexed while I brush my teeth. Several times a day, I stretch my toes and my fingers. And my hands hurt. But where they're headed is a beautiful place.
I remember 8 years ago when I was sick too well most days. At rock bottom, I couldn't walk, chew or hold a pen because the arthritis had set in so fast and so furiously that everything was locked in a mountain of pain. Something as basic as chewing food was not an option for me during that very brief time. You talk about humbling. I couldn't wash my own hair. I had to be lifted in and out of vehicles...so emaciated after a 35 pound drop in weight. But the absolute worst was not being able to write. My hands were turned in and swollen twice their normal size. I just thought to myself: what if I am never able to hold a pen again? How many years did I waste? What more could I have done if I had known this was going to happen? But we can't rewind. (Thank God). We can only go forward. I didn't make any bargains with God. I didn't make any promises. But somehow, I was granted a second chance. Patience through long-suffering. Wisdom through adversity.
So the only thing holding me back from handstand...is my hands. They aren't quite free enough to provide the 'footing' necessary. But you can't move forward unless you're looking in the direction you want to go. Oh...and update...this child did chaturanga ALL throughout class. No more knees/chest/chin. It's chaturanga time with the big girls! I think maybe I was afraid to even try it before. Pft. Enough of this fear! We fear success ten times more than we fear failure. Especially me. I'm used to heartache, pain, failure. I'm steeped in it like Darjeeling. But success? Faith, Bejaysus and Begorrah! NOT SUCCESS! What will I do if I actually set myself up for joy instead of sorrow? Well, we're going to find out. The wickets are set and the object is NOT to peg out. I'm going to be entirely present for each strike of the mallet against the ball.
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