Everything today was hard. Just plain hard. I don't know if it's the consistent cold or if it was the lack of Yoga between Saturday and Monday. I just don't know. My balance was off. My strength was off. And worst of all, I started crying when I couldn't do a back bend by myself. Are you serious? And see, I was optimistic because I figured out the whole food deal. I found the ProBar...a raw bar with enough calories and protein to get me all the way from 4:30 to 8:30 when I can have my Panera salad without making me sick during the practice. That's a real triumph. I eat like every 20 seconds. Okay, maybe 30. So, trying to go four hours with no food has overwhelmed me. Well, thank you, Mr. ProBar; you rocked my world today.
My knees did not want to function. That was the first problem. They kept clicking and catching. The left one is bone-on-bone. I get that, but I don't accept it. I don't accept that arthritis is my lot. Call it denial. And maybe it is. But like a parent with a child who isn't living up to his full potential, I will always expect more from that knee that most of the time it wants to give. Problem #2: Cramping hips. Didn't think it was possible? Oh, yes. Twist a certain way and I get a big old Charlie Horse. So, I have to come out of whatever pose and go back into it and come out and...you get the picture.
Strike three was the back bend. We moved to the wall and started with bridge pose, supported on blocks. NO problems. Then, the ultimate back bend. I've always been able to do it...always felt like my shoulders were being ripped off, but I ALWAYS did it. I lifted my hips and arced back and could not push myself up with my arms. I'm at the peak of frustration by this point and my already fragile emotions are not helping. So I succumb to tears. Diane to the rescue! She supported me and... I should stop there. She supported me. Period. That's a good sentence. I did the back bend. But at that point, the back bend didn't matter anymore. What mattered was the support. We aren't always going to do what we've always been able to. And we aren't always going to get what we want, but if we have support...we can try again.
I'm a pain. Because now...I want to fight harder. I want to get back in there tomorrow and try harder and focus more and push. Sometimes, I wish I could be less than I am. But it isn't possible. This time, it's the Irish in me. As long as we're breathing, we fight to be better...whatever better is. So, I'm thankful for tonight. I wouldn't want this whole process to be easy on me. Is life worthwhile without the struggle? I don't think so. I don't invite struggle, but the harder the work, the greater the appreciation for the job well done. My family always tells me that trials are character building. And I always say that I'm going to end up with multiple personalities by the time we're done building. But by the end of this year, at least one of those personalities is going to be able to do the ultimate back bend by herself.
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