The Breathwork tonight was divided into three sections: Breathing. Relaxation. Meditation. And we began by establishing our intention. Har Sharon described it as a pebble of intention being dropped into a pool and the ripples created as the energy we would strive to experience. Every intention has energy. Tonight, I am Peace.
Breathing: we worked more in depth on opening the three breathing spaces. For the most part, I feel like I can push the breath throughout the diaphragm, up into the throat and down into the pelvic bowl without much resistance. An effortless effort as Har Sharon describes it. But the middle region around my upper rib cage seems stuck and unwilling to expand. I don't try to force it and just accept that it isn't ready to expand at this time. Next week, however...we learn which breathing spaces govern which emotions. I'm looking forward to this. We're supposed to approach the breath with childlike enthusiasm and an absence of judgment, trying to understand less and experience more. That concept is so foreign to my analytical brain and so welcome to my frustrated heart. So in an effort to follow my heart, I'm not judging. I experienced all sorts of tingling and twitching, energy surging in my body as I awakened the breath. Fascinating. There's no other word for it. To think that you can create energy in your body just by breathing, by training your breath...flabbergasting.
Relaxation: I must admit that I had a hard time focusing during this phase. I think I was ready to phase out, which is a state that resembles sleep but isn't quite there. The idea is to remain present throughout the entire practice, to remain aware so that you can learn from each experience. Each time I started to drift, I was able to bring myself back so I consider that, in itself, a victory. And I'm learning to relax, which is beautiful. I'm learning not to clench my jaw. I'm learning how to relax my face and shoulders. I can't put a price tag on how valuable that is to me.
Meditation: This is where I almost lost it. I felt a panic rising up in my chest. I was so far inside of myself that at the same time I was aware of my breath, I was afraid that I would not take the next breath. So much fear. I see a pattern. The fear is not death. The fear is loss of independence. Death is the ultimate independence and doesn't scare me, but not being to take care of myself -- terrifying. So, I'm laying there breathing and fearing that I won't continue to breathe and I'll end up brain dead from lack of oxygen and yet, I can't panic. It was a physical impossibility. The desire was there, but I lacked ability. It was the strangest sensation. I actually felt myself scream somewhere deep inside, but nothing happened. Finally, we came out of meditation and I had an overwhelming sense of calm which has remained the rest of tonight.
More talk about dreams tonight. Har Sharon agrees that dreams, especially nightmares have a message...a lesson I'm trying to teach myself and by keeping track of them, I can establish a pattern. Well, I agreed to do this yesterday. And apparently scared my subconscious into silence. I'm sure I dreamed but I don't remember it. Not even a millisecond or a color. I woke up as if I had seen nothing in my dream life. Maybe that's a test of resolve. Maybe the subconscious needed preparation time now that it thinks I'm going to pay attention. Newsflash: I was paying attention before. I just wasn't trying to connect the dots. Lalalala.
I received a message from Cecelia today, a beautiful message that lifted my heart. But in it she queried about the balance in my practice. Am I doing too much of one and too little of another? So, that's my quest...balance. And I'll get there, one pebble of intention at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment