I woke up out of a nightmare Saturday morning. Typically the word nightmare calls to mind visions of scary monsters or flying monkeys, but those aren't MY nightmares. They say we dream about what we fear worst or desire most, the first being the nightmare and the latter being the sweet dream. What turns a sweet dream into a nightmare is when what you desire most is not attainable. Those are the nightmares I've had for going on three months. So, that was the start to my day.
I tried, but I did not enter the Space Above with an open mind. My mind was complete clutter. I was, however, amazed by the studio itself. It's a beautiful studio: large wooden doors, warm colors and natural light coming in through several windows. I was uneasy, though, being in a different studio with people I hadn't seen before. Even if I don't talk to people, their faces are familiar and comforting. I know Cecelia and her face is always kind and comforting so that helped, but it wasn't 'home'.
We focused on the spine: Leo's problem area. Oh, Leo. I have arthritis all up and down my spine which is why this class intrigued me...a chance to ease the vertebrae apart and massage the organs. I enjoyed the class from a physical standpoint. It wasn't difficult and the stretches and twists felt good. But even more than Yin Yoga, Restorative is about holding a posture for long periods of time, the difference being that in Restorative you are fully supported by blankets and blocks and bolsters so that you can rest. And then, you're left with your mind and your heart and stillness.
I know why we as a culture never stop: why we involve our kids in softball and soccer and piano lessons and cheer-leading and everything else under the sun all at the same time. It's because we fear the stillness. Pain and suffering and anxiety aren't nearly as scary when we're moving. We just sort of carry them around with us in our pockets and never really address them. Sometimes, they get in the way, but never in a direct way. They interfere in subtle ways by clouding our judgment, helping us build walls, keeping us from connecting with each other. The stillness is a scary place.
And I haven't been any different. The busier I stay, the saner I stay. But Restorative brings with it forced stillness. At one point, in forward supported fold, I felt ready to cry. But I knew if I started crying, I would start screaming. The emotions were that intense. So, I breathed. I listened to the music. I focused on sights and smells around me. I listened to the breath. The feeling didn't subside, but I distracted myself away from it long enough that I got through the class. Everything we do has merit, if we learn something from it...if we move forward with that knowledge. I appreciate that two hours Saturday and I appreciate Cecelia's sweet heart for sharing it with us. My goal for next time is not to require the distraction away from the emotion for as long. There will be a next time and a next time and a next time. I'm going to keep coming back to the stillness until I can be still. And then, I'll see what else is in there besides pain.
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