DVD Desperation

Monday, February 1, 2010

I nearly went insane this past weekend. I forgot where I put my bag of tools. Snowed in and no yoga class. Unable to see out of my own head long enough to cope. It wasn't the weather. It just was. Couldn't breathe...constant state of panic...not sleeping. Just trudging through, trying not to let my brains melt out my ears. It may sound like an over-dramatic description. But it's as accurate as I can be. I felt like I had a lab rat running circles inside my brain with a video projector. Visions, images, memories...you name it. Couldn't focus. Couldn't eat. The only rational thought I could muster was to send an email to Diane. So, that's what I did. And I asked for help...something I could do to get out of the crazy and back on a path. And she was gracious enough to respond. And not only did she know where I'd hidden that darn tool bag, but she added several for the next time. And between her advice and my dear friends reminding me to pray and cracking jerky jokes that made me laugh, I made it through the weekend alive and mentally intact. There isn't a word big enough to express my gratitude for my support system. There just isn't. But someday I hope to have every volume of the Oxford English Dictionary and I'll begin a search for the word.

I love Monday nights specifically because of Diane's flow class. No matter how difficult, I always feel stronger when I leave. So part of what helped me button myself up and make it through Monday was the possibility class wouldn't be cancelled. And in fact, it wasn't. Just moved to a time I couldn't go, which made sense because of the weather. I understood that. But I still cried a little. But then, it was time for Ursula to take matters into her own tentacles. I pulled out a Seane Corne DVD I've had for years, put down the mat in my home office and set about the practice.

The last time I attempted this DVD, I got 20 minutes into it and collapsed to the floor. It's an hour and 10 minutes long. That was a number of years ago. But last night, I made it through and could've gone on. I wasn't as challenged as in real life yoga classes. I know the energy was right because my little brother was in there trying to do downward facing dog underneath me, making me laugh by looking at my upside down. And all three cats filtered in and out trying to help, yeah, help. Little Bit clawed my hair during shavasana and then, stretched out on my knee pad mat. He has been my inspiration for the last five years. He only has three legs but he runs faster than the other cats. He's missing the back leg, but he still springs up and 'mountain' climbs with his front paws to get where he wants to go. And he's the sweetest by far. Wild when he came to me at 12 weeks and 11 ounces. But loving to the point of adoring now. He's amazing because he was brutally attacked and had to give up a part of himself. He not only adapted and endured but persevered and has a heart full of love. He's a cat and cats are supposed to live primarily by instinct. I am human and I have a higher consciousness. But something tells me I should take lessons from my cat.